How Do You Get That Lonely?
by unnoticedshadow
Summary: Some things are much better when they are kept hidden away.  In the past, where they belong. Martha/Doctor friendship/hurt/comfort, mention of suicide


**Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or the song 'How Do You Get That Lonely' by Blaine Larsen. Enjoy!**

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**The Doctor always prided himself on knowing everything there was to know about his companions. But there was something hidden in Martha Jones' past that even he wasn't able to find out. And he had tried. He had really tried, and more times he failed to find it out, the more curious he became.

But the day he found out, he wished that he hadn't. Because some things are much better when they are kept hidden away. In the past, where they belong.

_It was just another story printed on the second page_  
_Underneath the Tiger's football score_

"Right," said the Doctor, as the TARDIS landed with a wheeze and a shudder. "Have I got a treat in store for you!"

Martha looked up, intrigued. When the Doctor said he had a treat, it meant one of two things. Either they had landed somewhere amazing, in a time period which had events that Martha had always wanted to experience, or they had landed somewhere amazing, in a time period which had events that Martha had always wanted to experience, and they somehow ended up running for their lives.

Today, Martha was hoping for the former.

"Well?" she asked, slightly impatiently, raising her eyebrows. "Are you going to tell me, or am I going to have to guess?"

As a glint appeared in the Doctor's eyes, and a cunning smile lit up his face, Martha quickly backtracked.

"No," she said firmly, with a small smile tugging at her lips. "I'm not guessing."

The Doctor sighed in mock frustration, before explaining himself.

"Okay," he began, "So far every single one of my companions have asked to see themselves when they were children. Except you. So I figured you either hadn't thought to ask yet, or you assumed it wouldn't be possible. So I decided to just do it anyway. We are currently parked one road down from your house, and we are here on Monday 15th January 2001."

Immediately Martha's eyes clouded over and she started protesting as she backed away from the doors.

"No," she said, "Please don't go out there."

But the Doctor misunderstood.

"What's the matter? Are you worried that I won't want you around if I see you at 13 years old? Come on, it'll be fun."

And with that he bounded out the door, Martha following hesitantly behind him, just as a young girl was heard screaming at the top of her voice.

_It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age_  
_They found him face down on his bedroom floor_

The Doctor spun round quickly.

"Come on," he said, "Someone needs help."

But Martha grabbed his arm.

"No," she said, "You can't go in there. Trust me, please."

The Doctor frowned, but nodded slightly and stood watching the street.

A few minutes later an ambulance roared around the corner, and the Doctor felt Martha slip her hand into his and grip it tightly.

The Doctor looked down at her, but she was just staring straight ahead, almost as if she knew what was going to happen.

Then he realised.

A hysterical Francine Jones came tearing out of the house, screaming,

"Help! Please! My baby boy is dying! Please!"

The paramedics ran into the house, followed by Francine. All was quiet, and then a few minutes later Francine was heard again.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Doctor watched as the paramedics rolled out a stretcher covered in a sheet, that was obviously hiding a body from public view. They were followed by the Jones family, who were all openly sobbing, and then at the back of the group, wrapped in a blanket and being led out by one of the paramedics, was a trembling thirteen year old Martha.

"What happened?" the Doctor asked.

She looked up at him for the first time, and whispered, "I found him."

_There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home_  
_Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone..._

The Doctor and Martha hung around in the TARDIS for a few days, at Martha's request, and on the Friday of that week they snuck into the back of the funeral, just as Martha's Dad had stepped up to speak.

_How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad_  
_To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all_  
_Is better than the life that you had_  
_How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go_  
_How do you get that lonely... and nobody know_

"I don't understand," he started, "He always seemed so happy. What was so bad that he felt that he couldn't talk to us? Why did he feel that this was the only way out?"

Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?  
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?

"He was in a stable relationship, didn't touch anything that could harm his body. He had a football scholarship! He had his whole life planned out! We were so proud!"

_Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?_  
_Did no one see the writing on the wall?_

"Maybe we didn't tell him enough how proud we were, how much we loved him. I'm sorry son."

_I'm not blamin' anybody, we all do the best we can_  
_I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand..._

After the service, Martha and the Doctor headed back to the TARDIS, where they sat in Martha's room, her wrapped tightly in his arms.

"It's all my fault," she sobbed. "Max was 18, the oldest of all of us. I didn't notice, I was too engrossed, even at the age of 13, in my dream of becoming a doctor. Everyone was. Everyone overlooked Max. Me, mum, dad, Tish, Leo; how did no-one notice?"

"Hey," the Doctor soothed quietly, "You weren't to know."

"I should have found him earlier. I heard the gun go off. How did he even get hold of a gun?"

"I don't know Martha, but you need to stop blaming yourself."

Martha nodded.

_How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad_  
_To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all_  
_Is better than the life that you had_  
_How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go_  
_How do you get that lonely... and nobody know_

"You know," she said, "After the funeral I sort of understood. I found it so difficult to cope without him, I contemplated doing it. But the one thing that stopped me was the knowledge of how it would feel for whoever found me. Because I knew that the image of how I found him would be engraved in my mind for the rest of my life, and I couldn't put my family through that. How could Max be so selfish? Why didn't he think of us?"

"I'm sure he did think of you all, I'm sure he really loved you all. Maybe he thought that it would be kinder that you didn't have to live with his suffering."

"Well he was wrong!" she cried, "I could have dealt with him being depressed, I just can't deal with him being gone!"

Martha sat up quickly.

"Why?" she asked, "I asked you not to stop here but you went out there anyway. Why?"

The Doctor paused, before deciding to be completely honest.

"I was curious," he said. "I knew that there was something I didn't know about you and I wanted to find out what it was."

"Well now you know," spat out, "Happy?"

The Doctor shook his head.

"No, because it made you cry."

And with that he held her as her sobs shook her body, and his tears gently bathed her head in his sorrow and sympathy.

_It was just another story printed on the second page_  
_Underneath the Tiger's football score..._

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_**Please review.**_  
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